He’s been in the news again for some financial trouble, so I thought it was time for quick Throwbackaka ‘Adventures in Horrific Grammar and Run-On Sentences’ about R. Kelly during his resurgence in 2003 from his America’s Dirtiest Home Videos episode.

Morale Persuasion – September 2003 issue of Klublife Magazine (footnotes* May 2011)

As we look back on the music that dominated our radios in the summer of 2003 there were the usual good and bad songs.  When one of the your favourites came on you’d say “This is good” or if you heard a stinker you’d be like “This is badSometimes I wonder if my dry humour comes across as well…”, pretty straight forward stuff.  But have you ever thought about what makes a good or bad song?  Often times, with or without the artists consent, an attempt is made to shift the focus away from the music to the artist, and more specifically, their personal lives.  We want to know it badly.  Luckily that information is given to us, to take with the music, when making the decision on whether or not we ‘likeThis was well before the Facebook ‘like’ obviously, but I know that they totally stole that from me. I need the Winklevoss’ lawyer STAT.’ the artist by the men and women that represent the press.  Some is received from the artist or their camp, in an attempt to further their career, but that’s not the stuff that this article is about hereShould read, “this article here is about…” I do this for the young writers that read my stuff and know that you can be half illiterate and still kinda get it in….  This is about the junk my unborn kids are going to learn aboutRemove that one please when they watch VH1 Behind the Music 2003.

Well, unless you’ve been in under a boxNot sure what that means or had a power outage this whole yearThat summer was the 2-day power outage in Toronto, and many other parts of North America. It also happened to take place during the 10-month stretch when I lived on the 21st floor of Graydon Hall in North York. I LOVED walking up those stairs led by the candlelight of some random person that stopped at the 16th floor. Memories…, you know that R. Kelly has had his fair share of bad pressThat underage love video had been released in the previous year….  So bad in fact that many, including yours truly, completely wrote his ass off.  “Put the Thoia Thoing on and watch her murder it.”  If I had of heard R. Kelly say that six months ago, I would have suggested he take a page outta 50 Cent’s book and “try not to say nuthin’ the D.A. might wanna play in court Referring to the line from the opening cut on his mammoth debut ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’ which was pretty much all I played in 2003 till ‘The Black Album’ came out. Okay, there was some Dip Set too… .”  But, this summer, instead of laughing at his demise, we’re hailing his triumphant comeback.  How did the R make us all forget the now infamous bootleg, ‘No ID Required’?  Simple, with his talent Way to go rookie… give away the answer so soon. .

After watching the D.A. in L.A. use his only 15 minutes of fame to assure all TV viewers, in a larger than life press conference, that Kobe Bryant – guilty until proven innocent sex offender – would be treated the same as everyone, I got angry.  Aren’t ‘larger than life press conference’ and ‘treated the same as everyone else’ like two positively charged ion (Milhouse Just a quick shout out to a line from The Simpsons delivered in the episode when Milhouse was home schooled. )?  Did the D.A. go over his lines before he went on air?  Why is Kobe’s private life worth hours of CNN?  And if CNN was covering this, who was going to keep spreading lies about Canada Wow! One of the rare moments when I get political… See, that summer there was SARS, Mad Cow Disease and the Blackout… Tourism in Canada almost stopped. I was of the mindset that this was happening because we didn’t send troops to fight in the war, but I was also 23 and didn’t know any better. Sorry. ?  So many questions were swirling around in my mind and then the light went on Another reference to the power outage .  The press has the power to make or break you LIFE I guess I had that figured out before, but it just fit into the story better this way., and believe me, that’s a lot of power.  Now, I wouldn’t say that all press is bad because that isn’t the truth, but for the most part, if you’re in a hole, and you’re looking to them for help, you’d better start digging up. 

So, as a lone solider, how do you get folks to totally forget some of the compromising situations you may have put yourself in?  Walk with me for a minute.  February 2003That must be a Canadian date or something because I’m pretty sure I heard that song at a Christmas party in 2002. Whatever., ‘Ignition (Remix) Did we ever get an original version of that song? I don’t think we did, but I believe Twista was on the remix of the remix. ’ That was funny back then when they were still underage and not, you know, older. is released to a very warm response.  If you remember, radio never made reference to Pee-Pee TV or anything like that, they just kinda said, hey, his is a hot joint; take it for what it’s worth.  The radio coulda kicked him when he was down, but the music was too good.  They left the Jay Leno standup to the rappers, who were, for their part, relentless.  I don’t know about you but I got caught up in the track until my memory reminded me that this song might have been written with the Olsen twins in mindThat was funny back then when they were still underage and not, you know, older. .  Now I am not one to judge anybody, I believe in God so that’s His job, but the Pied Piper’s love life and songs are too closely intertwined for me to believe he was thinking about his wifey when he penned, “It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun.”  By early March, I couldn’t stand the song.  Then came ‘Snake’.  Oh boy, as hard as I tried to recapture the still images in my mind from the home video, I couldn’t do it.  They were mostly gone and the one’s that were there had Kell’s mouthing the words, “Move your body like a snake Ma.”  By the time ‘Thoia Thoing’ hit the klubsSpelled this way in obvious reference to the magazine I was writing for. I had both hands in the air yellin’ at the top of my lungs, “Tell me where’s the afterparty at, I’m rolling with the R.”  Much like myself, the press has welcomed back Kelly with open arms, because, and make no mistake about this, he earned his way back.

On the Hip-Hop front, more proof.  Eminem, 50, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Biggie Smalls, Puff Daddy; all artists who have watched their stock rise after potential ‘smear campaigns’ put into motion after their run ins with the law fell on deaf ears.  I don’t need to tell you how much that probably helped their careers.  But again, look at the names that I mentioned.  Do you think that their ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue’ approach to the press worked because they are all superstar, A-List, not to mention overly talented performers, just like R. Kelly?  Of course, it’s elementary my dear Klublifer How quickly did we forget that Rick Ross lied about being a CO? And why? The music was HOT. When it stops being hot, well, see Ja Rule .

Has R. Kelly changed since his daycare days?  Not likely.  Hints like “We at the crib so it ain’t no rules” and “…cause tonight this man ain’t playin’ by the rules.” (Thioa Thoing and Feeling Freaky written for Nick Cannon & B2K) would let an attentive listener know that he is still probably not the best babysitter, but straight up, who cares.  That has no bearing on how much he has positively impacted our lives For the record, I think what I was saying here is that we need not only focus on his bad deeds and not pay attention to the great music he has given us. I’d be mistaken if I were saying that his engaging in sex with minors was something to turn a blind eye to… or in his case, pay to get rid of. .  He is probably a close second to only the late Barry White in the very elite CK (Creating Kids) category.  So, as you do when you watch CNN, read history books, or listen to a story told by the guy in your crew that always exaggerates everything, take the industry press with a grain of salt, it just tastes better that way.